Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Seven Days In

So far, the baby new year has not been as darling as hoped, more like the love child of Ann Coulter and Idi Amin, with colic and a blistering diaper rash. If you prefer to stick with the vehicle metaphor, so far it's been like a souped-up El Camino driven by a paranoid meth addict. It's already veered out of control and taken out a couple of innocent bystanders.

I really do hope, when we get to heaven, that there's an orientation session where all these things will be explained: why the wicked prosper, and good, loving people are cut down in their prime. Sometimes, in flashes, I think I understand, from an intellectual standpoint--but it still makes me want to throw up. I try to remember my five-word New Year's resolution: "Wait. More will be revealed." But waiting does not come easy to me. I want answers, and restitution for those who have lost things that cannot be compensated for.

I know I am a child of God, but not one of the docile ones that sits quietly at Jesus' knee in the pictures. I'm the foot-stamping toddler throwing a tantrum right outside the frame. My vocabulary is equal parts "NO!" and "WHY?" I believe with all my heart that God loves me, but I also believe He is a little relieved when I fall asleep and finally shut up for the day.

When my own kids were toddlers, they were by turns frustrating and frustrated. The only saving grace was that I knew, as they matured, they would understand and master the things that infuriated their baby selves. I hope the same is true for me. I hope someday this world makes more sense, is more orderly and less of a howling wilderness. I hope I develop more patience, and kindness, and a better attitude. I hope I grow up, and mellow.

And I really hope this squalling, sputtering, shit-spewing baby of a new year does, too.

8 comments:

  1. thank you for being so transparently human - there is space for the rest of us to breath. 4:37 A.M. ?

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    1. Blogger thinks I live on the west coast. I actually wrote this at a perfectly normal hour yesterday and forgot to post it!

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  2. I know God can't wait for me to go to sleep and shut up, already. :(

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    1. I think he's crazy about everything you have to say. Or maybe that's just me.

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  3. You had me at the Ann Coulter dig, lol.

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    1. Imagine someone who Googles her name and accidentally stumbles upon this blog...

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  4. Honestly, I think God is just glad when we talk to him--even if it's to rant or throw a tantrum.

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